Gordon crept into his mother’s room which had been darkened by the partially closed curtains. A knot of anxiety tightened in the depths of his stomach. He’d seen sheep die and lambs but never a family member. It was the process of it that bothered him. As he inched closer to her bed, he felt a sense of calm around her as if her essence had gone on before her body had finished its final shutting down. As he talked gently to her, telling her for the first time since he was a child how proud he was to have her for a mother and how much he loved her. Her shrivelled hand felt cool to the touch but he was too scared to give it more than the lightest of squeezes.
‘Being with your Mum now is the greatest act of love you can offer her, ‘ said Sadie, handing him a tissue. ‘I’ll leave you for a few minutes then take you to our staff lounge where you can have your lunch. It’s important to keep up your strength.’
He heard the door close softly behind her, giving him permission to release the tears of a small boy losing his mother. Despite his sixty years he didn’t want to be a grown up. He dreamt of being back on the farm, weaning his pet lamb onto a bottle and being chased up to the bathroom to have a wash. He wanted to taste his mother’s famous cottage pies, packed with beef and carrots and to lick the mixing bowl after her Monday baking marathon. Above all, he didn’t want his mother to die.
Picking up his plastic bag, he went into the grounds and found a bench under a cherry blossom tree. The petals floated down around his feet and he bent to pick up a handful. He sat for several minutes, enjoying the silky feel beneath his fingers, his mind wandering on the moors amongst his new lambs. He didn’t hear Sadie at first.
‘Gordon.’ She sat next to him.
‘She’s gone. I can feel it.’
‘Very peaceful. Sometimes people need permission to leave us. You gave her that. Do you want to say goodbye?’
He shook his head.
‘I’ve said it all. Where ever she is, she knows what I’m about. She had ears like a bat, eyes like a hawk and a memory of an elephant. She was a pain in the backside sometimes but she was me mam.’ With that he wept on Sadie’s shoulder.