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No Sex please, We're Married

Sex can be a lot of work. There’s so much stuff involved. Leg shaving, bikini waxing and what about all that ooo-ing and ahhhh-ing to sap the oxygen out of the lungs? Then there’s the warm up that seems more like a complicated game of twister. Foot this way, hand that way, head between legs – and as for all that tweaking, twizzling and nibbling – it’s blooming exhausting!

No wonder more married couples are opting for happy, cuddly, celibacy over a bowl of chocolate ice cream meant solely for eating. Thing is, nobody talks about a sexless marriage. If the bedroom chandeliers are not hanging off their wires, then it’s a failure on all fronts, or rears. We’ll admit to anything, but no sex? Never. We’d rather confess to extra-marital affairs or swinging parties than crisp white sheets with only crisp crumbs to show we’ve lain on them. 

Lust gets boring after a while. I’d rather go to bed with an apple and a copy of Dante’s Inferno. In Latin. The bliss of separate beds, bedrooms or even houses does not mean the fun has gone. Far from it. Love Skyping, or FaceApping can still be thrilling even when your once Olympic –level gymnast partner is mountaineering in deepest Wales.

Not that you will care what this crusty old woman has to say, but I think it’s about time the big magazines pulled up their Big Pants and ran real life stories on this wicked behaviour. #celibacyrocks

Ok, there are some of you out there, going at it as if the world is about to end ( as it very well might at the time of writing this) and if the infamous “Last Fling of the Ovary” is to be believed, there could be some interesting results from this frantic replay of The Battle of the Little Bighorn.

But for many of us older marrieds, snuggling up on the sofa to watch a rom-com, (providing there’s nothing yucky in it), is preferable to having to dream up excuses about hoovering the cat before bedtime or emptying the loft.

There comes a stage in life when sex is no longer the cornerstone of a relationship, but an annoying little cockroach sneaking out from the cracks. You side-glance it and hope it will go away.

I suppose it is a teeny bit strange that low or no libido types don’t share the urges or interest of the rest of the planet, but have managed to produce a sprog or two, but then it’s nobody else’s business. Neither should it be something to be ashamed off. I’m not interested in shagging. So what?

There may well be a host of physical and psychological reasons why celibacy is better for a couple, but that’s not under discussion here.

On a final note, at the time of writing this, the Russian consumer health watchdog has advised people to avoid kissing and hugging to avoid the spread of the corona virus (COVID-19). They don’t even have any cases of infection, but best to be on the safe side, eh?. It’s a good spin on the tired, old excuse, of “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache”, not that I’ve ever understood what role the head plays in nightly romps. But then, I’ve never been interested enough to ask.

On a less cynical note, it’s soon Valentines’ Day. For me, that doesn’t mean forced roses or saccharine cards with Gooey Eyed Teddy Bears on the front.

It means my new book, LOVE BYTES BACK is published and no, before you ask, it is not erotica! I wouldn’t be able to write that stuff for laughing! J


Don't Get Catfished!

I’d never heard of the term until I watched a TV programme about it. If you don’t know what it is either, here’s the Wiki definition.

Catfishing is a type of deceptive activity where a person creates a sock puppet social networking presence, or fake identity on a social network account, usually targeting a specific victim for abuse, deception, or fraud. Catfishing is often employed for romance scams on dating websites.

Another term is “Love Bombing-” a slighter milder version of the same, by which someone attempts to influence an individual by demonstrations of attention and false affection.

Whatever it’s called, it’s scamming at its worst because it not only targets the wallet but more destructively, the heart. Scammers trawl the internet looking for the most vulnerable. Widows, divorcees, singles and even lonely marrieds who are desperate to find someone to show them some affection.

Fake profiles are posted on dating sites by stealing pictures of attractive, star-like individuals and adding them to their outrageous claims of being wealthy business people, lonely men in the military, devoted fathers who need money for a child’s operation and so it goes on. They can hook you via social media – I’ve had dozens of Direct Messages on Twitter – via your email or website, Tinder and even Skype and it’s easy to get taken in if you’ve got a soft heart.

When researching for my new novel, LOVE BYTES BACK, I was shocked to discover that procuring someone else’s picture for your personal profile is not illegal! What is illegal if that is used to scam people out of money. Sorry, but that seems very muddled to me.

How do you know if you’re talking to a love scammer and how can you protect yourself?

  • Ask them to call you on the phone. If they make excuses, they are probably not who they say they are. DUMP.
  • If they want to move the chat off the dating site and onto something like WhatsApp, be very suspicious. They want to avoid the dating site getting wise to their scam.
  • Their profile is too good to be true.
  • They ask for small amounts of money to start with – phone top ups and promise to pay it back. They often ask for Amazon gift cards and not direct bank transfers. SAY NO and DUMP.
  • Many scams are operating from overseas. Workers are paid a pittance to read from a badly written script. When I nearly got caught in a scam, I was called “sweaty pie” (and not sweetie pie.). Red flag warning!
  • Finally, never, ever, ever, send money. Not one penny. If you think your bank account has been compromised because of something you said, report it immediately.
  • Contact Action Fraud then go out and breathe a sigh of relief. You didn’t get catfished.

Find out what happens to Kitty Merriweather when she meets the charming Harvey online in Love Bytes Back. Just £1.99 ebook.

OUT FEBRUARY 14th –on Amazon Kindle  


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