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Angelena Boden

Angelena Boden

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Time for a Reality Check

Every year, before my birthday, I do a reality check. Being a mid-winter baby, I am prone to melancholy and need to ground myself for the coming year. It’s a salutary exercise as it means stripping away fantasies and unrealistic expectations. It’s akin to severely pruning your favourite rose bush in the hope of a more abundant crop of blooms.

Facing the truth about yourself and your circumstances doesn’t come easy to everyone. There’s a need to be conscious about what is happening in your life which doesn’t involve media influence or the rampant competition to be more special than the next. It’s hard enough maintaining being you without the exhausting mirror- gazing to seek out the next flaw that you feel needs fixing.

With so much so called fake news around, it’s difficult to know what to believe about the world, but so much easier to know what to believe about yourself since you are your best and only authority.

I am not part of that bold generation who like the laser beam to be shining on me all the time. In truth, it makes me feel slightly uneasy. However, I’m going to share with you my ten point reality check which will guide my sixty second year beginning with the least talked about. I’m not self-pitying or looking for sympathy, in case you think I am. These are the facts.

  • I am a year older than I claim. I mean, my birthday marks the end of my 62nd year on Planet Earth and the beginning of my 63rd. Same for all of us.
  • There are many things I can no longer do comfortably. One of my birthday gifts is a walking pole. Call it Nordic, Martian, what you will, but the reality is that I need support when climbing the mountain sides in my beloved Peak District.
  • My weakened eyesight and poor spatial awareness means I am a danger on the road. I can no longer fantasise about driving again. My optician doesn’t recommend it.
  • I miss going out to work. Writing at home is a lonely business. I am lonely. That’s the truth.
  • No longer as confident as I once was, I rely more on other people for validation. This year I won’t look for it from social media. Only from people whose opinions I trust.
  • For those of you who’ve ever  listened to Garrison Keillor on the radio and the tales of Lake Wobegon, “where the children are above average”, - that’s me.  I wanted to be able to hold clever conversations, be an eloquent writer, an artist… all sorts of things but the truth is… I sit at 6.5/10. Even my fitness level hovers around that.
  • I’m a decent person. I try to help people where I can and don’t expect anything back.
  • I’ve learned to accept what I can’t change and I’ve let go of controlling outcomes but I overthink. I am my harshest critic.
  • I try to listen more than I talk and I don’t offer opinions unless I am asked for them.  These days I think more about “Other” than Me. I also think about death. A lot.

My list is much longer than this, but I appreciate stuff like this can become monotonous. Reality checks are important if we are to find a level of acceptance about our limitations at any given time. This way we can clear the decks of the pressures we put on ourselves and move along our individual path, one step at a time.

It’s Blue Monday. My birthday is tomorrow. January 16th. According to the astrologers, there’s a mega planetary line up on that day. A stellium of six planets. It’s supposed to bring positive changes. That’s good. It might lift the melancholy that sits on my shoulders every winter, like a damp tea-towel.

Happy birthday to all Capricorns reading this. Keep climbing that mountain but settle where it feels the most comfortable.

Angelena  

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On Slowing Down - My New Year's Resolution. 2018

In a couple of weeks it will be my 62nd birthday. I came to terms with aging when I turned sixty so that doesn’t give me angst. I remember driving through Snowdonia on that day, January 16th   2016, and seeing a goat standing proudly on a rock. I’m sure his eyes turned to me with a message – slow and steady if you want to get to the top. This was particularly significant as I’m a Capricorn, the symbol of which is the goat, (actually the goat-fish but we won’t split fins on this).

From my particular plateau, I’ve watched prolific authors publish one book after the other with barely a blade of grass between them and wonder what drives them. They tell me it’s about boosting their brand, or making sure they don’t get forgotten between books. Always interested in their writing schedules and methods, I’ve come to the conclusion there seems to be two main approaches to this novel writing business.

One way is to go with the stream of consciousness and get the first draft down not worrying about the plot, characters, grammar, etc. as you can solve them in the next several drafts. That’s the way I’ve been working to date.

Another is to write fewer words each day (I currently write 2,000), but take more time over the crafting of those sentences until you are absolutely happy about every aspect of the daily output. Know where the book is going and make sure every scene gets you there.

In my business life there was no time for procrastination or pontification. I had to make decisions on the spot for clients and get on with it so my mind- set before writing my first novel was already fixed. This is going to change. The draft of my third novel is completed but I’m going to take my time in getting it ready to leave my laptop.

If you go by the announcements on Twitter, you’d be forgiven for panicking that you’re behind in the game. But what game? Only the one you’re playing against yourself. The first task of any author is to write the best book possible and not rush to publication. Life has a way of bringing up opportunities when it’s time and not before. Submit to agents and publishers in haste and there’s a risk of losing out because the book simply isn’t ready. It’s not so easy to go back a second time.

This is one of the dangers of going down the self-publishing route. The temptation to press the upload button before all the checks have been done several times over might mean giving the reader an inferior product and that’s what your book is in the business world – a product which is competing with disposable income for any product, not only books.  No matter how much we love our story telling this is the harsh reality of the publishing industry today.

You’ve got to be that mountain goat. Take your time with the climb and be careful where you stick your hooves.

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When it's best to say nothing

 

            Have you found yourself watching what you say for fear of an enraged and disproportionate backlash from a prickly family member or antagonistic twitter follower?

            Even the most innocuous of responses to public postings be it news, opinions ideas or ramblings brought me a number of irrational, ill-thought out attacks from  soap-boxes or darkened basements in 2017. At their core, I suspect they were deep expressions of their own unhappiness.

            I was brought up with the old adage,  If you can’t say something nice, then say nothing at all. It’s what I’ve tried to do most of my life – to frame and reframe my responses to people in all manner of situations by considering the impact it has on them. Can I say the same thing without being hurtful or critical? Will my words pare them to the bone or undermine a wobbly sense of self. Do I care if they do?

            Well, yes I do care. What’s more I care deeply when responses to me are loaded with venom.  I appreciate constructive comments and criticism to something I’ve said but I see no point engaging in verbal battles when I’ve been personally attacked because my lifestyle or background is at odds with theirs.

             I’m sure many of you can relate to this especially of late. Maybe you’re made of tougher stuff than I am and you feel a discharge of positive energy when you destroy their arguments with harsh words to gain the upper hand. I don’t. It’s so much wasted energy which could be put to better use.

            We live in an unkind world. We’re saturated with articles and adverts about getting fitter, thinner, richer, more successful but when did you last read a feature about being nicer?

            I used to advise my trainees over the years when I taught the psychology of communication, not to use the word nice as it was weak and lacked description. Nice is a lazy word for when you can’t find something meaningful. I’ve changed my mind on that.  Niceness is like clean fuel to power new relationships based on being more patient, tolerant, less irritable, less dominant or critical. Being nice is about being polite, respectful and kind. It costs us nothing but might require swallowing down heaped tablespoons of righteous indignation. Let it go. In a year or two or on your death bed, whatever has caused the blood to curdle won’t matter anymore. Whenever I’ve succumbed to harsh language, I regret it within minutes.

            My 2018 favour to myself is to keep quiet and not express any opinion unless asked for, whether that’s within my own family, to friends or on social media. If I do feel the need to say something then it will be done with the utmost kindness and consideration for them as fellow humans. In the words sung by Ronan Keating, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

           

 

 

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The Villain in Your Life

             Even as a child, Christmas pantomimes with their exaggerated posturing, never appealed to me as a relaxing form of entertainment. I’d nibble on my finger nails at the appearance of the villain, an essential foil to the hero/heroine of the story, wishing the witch, demon or wicked stepmother would literally break a leg and be carted off the stage if only to give my jangling nerves a rest.

            Writing this blog in pantomime season, has made me think about the villains in our own lives. I’d be surprised if they included snow queens or giants but our minds are constantly seeking out a personal villain, a fall guy, on which to pin blame. This might be an individual or a group, a society or a government. The hot potato of self-blame burns the skin from our fingers so we are impelled to toss it into the ownership of “other.”

            Is this done consciously? In the main no. Through projection we seem to edit the truth in order to quell the uncomfortable disturbances in the psyche or sense of self.  When I first studied the ego’s defence mechanisms back in the early eighties, it took me a long time to get my head round the idea of this powerful defence mechanism.

Simply put, it’s seeing our traits reflected in another. As an example, telling someone they are too slow or they never stop moaning, is an unowned aspect of our own personality. In other words, we don’t want to own the negative traits so we pin them onto someone else.

           

Like Carl Jung, I have a deep interest in the shadow part of the personality. This is the unconscious mind, a repository for unspeakable tendencies and beliefs: prejudice, hatred, a desire to harm as well as positive traits and abilities which are denied or unknown. As this isn’t an essay on Jung or the incorporation of the shadow in therapy, I will point you to a readable article on this subject here. http://bit.ly/2C41XE4

            The villain in our lives makes its appearance through the projection of this shadow, usually the negative aspect, onto “the other.”  This makes it easy to blame and not take personal responsibility as it’s always someone else’s fault.

I must point out that I’m not referring to situations where clearly the villain is to blame; crime, adverse government policy, corrupt businesses and any other situation where we are left vulnerable and powerless to alter the course of events. I do get tired of hearing some professionals talking about choosing your reaction when you can’t choose outcome as if acknowledging a need to punch someone in the face is a sign of being out of control.

I’ve experienced so many situations with clients who need to be angry, express their fear and anxiety and violent thoughts before they can even reach the point of choosing acceptance. Some of us can’t turn around that tank so quickly.

            So back to blame. It does serve a purpose. It protects self –esteem and ego since you don’t have to face your own imperfections and present as someone weak and inadequate. I hold an opposite view. It shows strength and honesty when we put up our hands and say “It was me. I’m sorry.”

           

As a long time specialist in behaviour (Transactional Analysis graduate) I define behaviour simply as everything we say and everything we do. If I say something offensive to you then I have chosen to do so. With that choice come consequences. You might not speak to me again or you may wish to defend yourself and hit back. Words might tumble out of my mouth unfiltered but I am still responsible for them.

            Only those lacking in emotional maturity will continue to say, “He made me do it.”  “It’s your fault I’m overweight. You stress me out.”  No. No. No. Unless you are being held to ransom with a gun at your head (or similar) then you make the majority of your choices. It’s only when they don’t work out that we need the villain – partner, parent, boss, fate and God. Choices are made within a context which I think influences how much responsibility we take for them. 

            As we go into 2018, maybe it’s time to hold the mirror up to ourselves and be honest as it’s so easy to lie.  Wasn’t me, Sir!  The villain in your life might not be anybody other than….. yourself.

                       

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