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The Villain in Your Life

             Even as a child, Christmas pantomimes with their exaggerated posturing, never appealed to me as a relaxing form of entertainment. I’d nibble on my finger nails at the appearance of the villain, an essential foil to the hero/heroine of the story, wishing the witch, demon or wicked stepmother would literally break a leg and be carted off the stage if only to give my jangling nerves a rest.

            Writing this blog in pantomime season, has made me think about the villains in our own lives. I’d be surprised if they included snow queens or giants but our minds are constantly seeking out a personal villain, a fall guy, on which to pin blame. This might be an individual or a group, a society or a government. The hot potato of self-blame burns the skin from our fingers so we are impelled to toss it into the ownership of “other.”

            Is this done consciously? In the main no. Through projection we seem to edit the truth in order to quell the uncomfortable disturbances in the psyche or sense of self.  When I first studied the ego’s defence mechanisms back in the early eighties, it took me a long time to get my head round the idea of this powerful defence mechanism.

Simply put, it’s seeing our traits reflected in another. As an example, telling someone they are too slow or they never stop moaning, is an unowned aspect of our own personality. In other words, we don’t want to own the negative traits so we pin them onto someone else.

           

Like Carl Jung, I have a deep interest in the shadow part of the personality. This is the unconscious mind, a repository for unspeakable tendencies and beliefs: prejudice, hatred, a desire to harm as well as positive traits and abilities which are denied or unknown. As this isn’t an essay on Jung or the incorporation of the shadow in therapy, I will point you to a readable article on this subject here. http://bit.ly/2C41XE4

            The villain in our lives makes its appearance through the projection of this shadow, usually the negative aspect, onto “the other.”  This makes it easy to blame and not take personal responsibility as it’s always someone else’s fault.

I must point out that I’m not referring to situations where clearly the villain is to blame; crime, adverse government policy, corrupt businesses and any other situation where we are left vulnerable and powerless to alter the course of events. I do get tired of hearing some professionals talking about choosing your reaction when you can’t choose outcome as if acknowledging a need to punch someone in the face is a sign of being out of control.

I’ve experienced so many situations with clients who need to be angry, express their fear and anxiety and violent thoughts before they can even reach the point of choosing acceptance. Some of us can’t turn around that tank so quickly.

            So back to blame. It does serve a purpose. It protects self –esteem and ego since you don’t have to face your own imperfections and present as someone weak and inadequate. I hold an opposite view. It shows strength and honesty when we put up our hands and say “It was me. I’m sorry.”

           

As a long time specialist in behaviour (Transactional Analysis graduate) I define behaviour simply as everything we say and everything we do. If I say something offensive to you then I have chosen to do so. With that choice come consequences. You might not speak to me again or you may wish to defend yourself and hit back. Words might tumble out of my mouth unfiltered but I am still responsible for them.

            Only those lacking in emotional maturity will continue to say, “He made me do it.”  “It’s your fault I’m overweight. You stress me out.”  No. No. No. Unless you are being held to ransom with a gun at your head (or similar) then you make the majority of your choices. It’s only when they don’t work out that we need the villain – partner, parent, boss, fate and God. Choices are made within a context which I think influences how much responsibility we take for them. 

            As we go into 2018, maybe it’s time to hold the mirror up to ourselves and be honest as it’s so easy to lie.  Wasn’t me, Sir!  The villain in your life might not be anybody other than….. yourself.